I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
