When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
