I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
