One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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