I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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