my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
