He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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