elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
