I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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