Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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