i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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