Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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