worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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