Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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