if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
