dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
