Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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