please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
