ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
