i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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