I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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