News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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