I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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