Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
