Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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