i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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