when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I cut my penus on the lid.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
