Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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