Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
