I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
