tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
