its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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