yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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