i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Someone shattered a urinal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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