are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
