I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
