She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
