I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
