keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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