Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
