Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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