I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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