90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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