sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
