Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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