i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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