Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
