Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
