Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
