Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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