Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
