we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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