WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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