I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
