the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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