That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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