He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
