Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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