i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
