He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
