9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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