You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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