pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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