shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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