dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
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The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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