i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
